We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize