all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
