you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
