Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just found puke in my bra..
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize