I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize