we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize