Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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