saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize