I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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