How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
