Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
