last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
