I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
