My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
