there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
