My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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