I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize