I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
