How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
A bitchslap is in order.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize