Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm sobbing to NWA
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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