Soap is not a condiment
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
