I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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