The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
