i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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