There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
