dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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