She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
this is an emotional support booty call
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
