Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
