Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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