I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
