i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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