i barfeds in our rink
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize