Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
