Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
