Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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