either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
