I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
