My room smells like vodka and shame
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize