i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
