hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
