i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
