I wish my penis had an off switch
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
