R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm too high and old for this...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
