Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
