I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
