Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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