he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
