Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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