We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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