Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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