I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
What drink are we having for lunch?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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