Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
