There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
