Your dad touched me again.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize