You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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