I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Randomize
