I'm jealous of your bromance
what day is it and did you see me today?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
