I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
